


Throwing Toast

by sumomomochi



Series: The 'Verse in Which Dirk is Anime Horatio Caine [7]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crossdressing, Dom John, Dom/sub, M/M, Nerdiness, Sub Dave, blatant nerdiness, lots and lots of nerdiness, so much nerdiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-11
Updated: 2013-06-11
Packaged: 2017-12-14 17:12:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/839339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sumomomochi/pseuds/sumomomochi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Damn coolkid,” Terezi says, awestruck, “You picked a good one.”</p>
<p>Where John is roped into being Rocky and Dave makes a fantastic queen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Throwing Toast

**Author's Note:**

> ngl this is basically just me practicing writing multiple characters interacting all at once. thusly there is 10k of nerdy jokes and references to maybe a k and a half of porn :I

“So John, are you joining us for Halloween?”

Terezi’s got her creepy wide grin, arched eyebrows raised, and you know you’ll probably regret it when you ask, “Doing what?”

“Rocky Horror, of course. It’s a tradition with Dave.”

Oh. Huh. Well, that’s not as bad as you were expecting. You’ve never gone but Jade’s always said it’s fun, and the movie’s not bad. You should have guessed it’d be something Dave would like. You agree and her eyes light up.

Oh no.

“Sweet. We’ll have a full group then.”

**=== >**

TG : so tz says youve agreed to go to rocky with us   
EB : yeah? why wouldn’t i?    
TG : dude have you ever gone   
EB : nope. jade has though so i know all about the toast throwing and stuff.   
TG : oh man   
EB : ????   
TG : ahahah   
TG : okay dude we dress up   
TG : like a super legit full blown thing   
TG : hold on lemme see if i can find pictures from last year

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has sent you a file ! [1131XX.jpg](http://) \--

\-- [accept](http://) / [decline](http://) \--

\-- file transferred ! [open file](http://) \--

EB : ….   
EB : are you wearing sequins?   
TG : yep we usually swap around characters   
TG : tzs gonna be columbia this year   
TG : she’s also trying to convince me to make you be rocky   
TG : ngl i agree wholeheartedly   
TG : youd make a hella fine rocky but its totes up to you if you wanna   
EB : the short shorts right?   
TG : yep   
EB : and everyone else is dressing up too   
TG : yep   
EB : sigh   
TG : if it makes you feel better rose bullied me into being frank n furter   
EB : diaofahsgdafasdf   
TG : is that a good keysmash or a bad keysmash i cant tell   
EB : both   
TG : you actually got a panty fetish   
EB : idk   
EB : not really i guess? like, you look really hot in girl clothes but...   
EB : you look really hot in normal clothes too.   
TG : i see   
EB : and you’re going to be wearing heels too right?   
EB : because that’s what the doctor dude wears   
TG : yeah   
EB : so you’re going to be like eight feet tall :T   
TG : six nine actually   
EB : …..   
TG : im about the same size as roses gf   
TG : they measured when i went to try them on   
EB : wow   
TG : yeah i have to duck to get under doors   
EB : wow   
TG : yeah   
EB : you’re way too tall.   
TG : yeah but my legs look fantastic in four inch heels   
EB : aidsofhasdog   
TG : dude we are so not allowed to fuck in kanayas clothes   
TG : unless youre down with putting on a show for my niece   
EB : ai8ougaofsdfsd   
TG : youre adorable you know that   
EB : iafhosadghasdf   
TG : if it makes you feel better im going to be wearing my own thigh highs   
TG : at the very least we can fuck in those   
TG : my legs look pretty damn good in them too   
TG : wow shit i am just way too comfortable with wearing ladies undergarments   
TG : the things i do for love   
EB : ahsofiasdfh   
TG : dude are you okay   
TG : did the thought of me in panties again break your brain   
TG : shit you really do have a panty fetish   
EB : daaave shut up! DX   
TG : ahahah   
EB : you’re a butthead >I   
TG : yeah but you love me   
EB : yeah :I   
EB : uuuugh i will stand out so bad if i don’t dress up DX   
TG : yeah probs   
TG : that you agreeing   
EB : yeah. i guess :T   
TG : dude you dont have to if you dont want to   
TG : or idk ill make eridan swap with you hes brad   
TG : eridans flamboyant enough to dig the gold booty shorts   
EB : who’s that?   
TG : one of my exs   
TG : hes cool   
TG : no hes a douche but the acceptable kind of douche   
TG : yooooo egbert   
TG : earth to john   
EB : how the hell are you friends with all your ex’s???   
TG : idk   
TG : and im not friends with all of them   
TG : ive dated a couple righteous assholes   
TG : me and eridan were more friends with benefits anyway   
TG : and most of those benefits were modeling for the others projects ngl   
TG : and besides dude youre still bffies with jade   
EB : yeah but jade’s been my best friend since kindergarten!   
TG : dude thats so cute   
EB : dave that’s not the point!   
TG : are you actually jealous?   
TG : babe you dont gotta be   
TG : eris cute but vanilia as shit    
TG : and he’s a bag of dicks   
TG : and tavs not only a sub too but hes with aradia right now   
TG : im pretty sure tzs getting it on with that vriska chick too and shes probably the only one whos even close to matching how great you are   
TG : john   
TG : babe   
TG : im sorry im not gonna ditch my friends for you but i swear on my mommas grave i aint a cheat   
TG : cmon please talk to me   
EB : sorry, talking to equius.

That’s a lie, but you need a moment to get your shit together. You don’t want to flip out at him any harder than you already are. You take a deep breath before you continue to type.

EB : i am sort of jealous?   
EB : like i don’t even know how anyone actually stays friends with their exes...   
TG : very carefully   
EB : all of my previous relationships have ended pretty badly, except for jade...   
EB : and it’s kind of.... idk, weird knowing you’ve dated so many people?   
TG : dude i haven’t dated that many people   
TG : and im betting i got started a few years before you too   
EB : well yeah....   
EB : but i don’t really want to meet any of the other people you’ve had sex with!   
TG : oh huh   
TG : well   
TG : idk what to tell you babe theres been a lot of intermingling in our group   
TG : like even with you and jade in there   
EB : …. do i want to know?   
TG : went to high school with sollux too   
EB : iahsofdhaogiashdfaosdifa please don’t tell me you dated him too!   
EB : i don’t think i could actually handle knowing a dude has seen two of the people i’ve dated and like actually LIKE naked DDX   
TG : okay   
EB : more than naked!! DX   
TG : i promise i did not date sol in high school   
EB : ugh that means you dated him after high school huh? orz   
TG : so how bout them local sports team   
EB : dave!   
TG : what you told me you didnt want to know   
EB : but you’re being really obvious about it instead!!!   
TG : well sor-ry   
EB : adsfioasdhgasfaoisdfh   
TG : is it actually a big deal for you?   
EB : i   
EB : idk it shouldn’t be, i know. it’s dumb.   
EB : but like, seriously how are you actually still friend with your exes???   
TG : idk im not a douche and the ones im still friends with arent either   
TG : like tavs the sweetest guy in existence and we parted pretty mutually   
TG : i think his older bro still wants to murder me but i think thats also in part because he walked in on us once   
TG : tz and i probably shouldnt have actually dated   
TG : we work way better as friends and like after two months we realized this and broke it off   
TG : the whole me not really digging chicks kinda kept us from being you know super serious or anything   
TG : sol and eridan were more fucking around than actual dating   
TG : and its not really that big of a deal?   
TG : ive had sex with a lot of people you knew that from the start babe   
EB : well, yeah. but actually meeting people you’ve had sex with is a lot different than just sort of knowing you’ve had sex with people?   
TG : you dont have to come do rocky with us if you dont want to   
TG : i totally understand   
EB : dave..   
EB : iadohfiagoasdf   
EB : no, it’s cool. i’m just being dumb.   
EB : sorry.   
TG : dont be its okay   
TG : i get it

TT : I’ve heard through the grapevine that you have agreed to accompany us on your annual excursion to see Rocky Horror.   
TT : Dave has also informed me that you’ve more or less agreed to dress up as Rocky.   
TT : I must say, I am quite pleased. It was my suggestion after all.   
TT : I thought it prudent that you be the character set to match your boyfriend, given your possessiveness.   
TT : My, John, you are quite a fantastic conversationalist.   
TT : I must say I find this exchange quite riveting.   
TT : Oh dear, Dave isn’t answering me anymore either. I do hope everything is alright.   
TT : Oh, there you are.   
TT : John?   
EB : i think we had an actual argument :T   
TT : Oh. I’m sorry.   
TT : Might I inquire as to what about?   
EB : it’s....   
EB : weird that he’s still friends with so many of his exes.   
TT : I see. I take it you are uncomfortable with meeting people who have carnal knowledge of your sub, correct?   
EB : yeah.   
TT : I assure you that Dave is, surprisingly, strictly monoamorous.   
TT : And I say “surprisingly” only because of how his general attitude towards sex and romance is typically acted upon by others.   
TT : My uncle is quite free with his love, John. He loves the people most important to him with all his heart and he truly, honestly just wants them to be happy.   
TT : That’s how he manages to maintain solid friendships with the people he has previously been romantically involved with.   
TT : The biggest reason, in my opinion, that people have difficulty with such a shift is because of lingering feelings one or both people may have in regards to their previous partner.   
TT : Dave does not have this issue as he is more interested in his partner, previous or otherwise, being happy. If they’re happy being with someone other than him, then he’s happy for them, simple as that.   
TT : He is most certainly the embodiment of a loyal knight, and not just because of his sexual submission.   
EB : wow.   
TT : I should probably advise you not to tell Dave that I described him as such. He invests way too much time in maintaining his aloof facade and I fear it would shrink his ego.   
TT : And we can’t have that, now can we?   
EB : is he really like that though?   
TT : My darling uncle is a complete teddy bear.   
TT : He bawled for hours after he broke up with Tavros because he couldn’t stand the thought of hurting him.   
EB : wow.   
TT : Granted, this was back in his teens, but I dare say he is much the same.   
TT : Is it safe to assume that your main issue with Dave still maintaining friendship with people he’s been intimate with is that you’ve been cheated on previously?   
TT : Is it safe to assume your silence to mean a yes?   
EB : wow you’re kind of terrible.   
TT : Why yes, yes I am :)   
TT : But it is true, yes?   
EB : yeah....   
TT : Again, I assure you that Dave is strictly monoamorous. The last thing he wants to do is hurt you.   
TT : And he is completely infatuated with you.   
TT : You are, by the way, the only person he’s pointedly referred to as his boyfriend when talking to my grandmother since high school.   
EB : oh.   
TT : Have I sufficiently assured you of Dave’s fidelity?   
EB : yeah...   
EB : wow i feel like an extra huge jackass now.   
TT : Most understandable.

EB : i’m sorry for being an asshole.   
TG : you werent being an asshole   
EB : no i was totally being an asshole.   
EB : rose is really good at the whole shrinking thing.   
TG : oh no   
TG : also i told you   
EB : yeah i know.   
EB : but its kind of refreshing being told i’m being stupid in ways that aren’t “wow john you’re being really dumb!!!!!! gosh!!!!! pull your head out of your ass and stop being dumb!!!!”   
TG : ahahahahah   
EB : no shut up jade’s a buttpain to have DEEP MEANINGFUL conversations with!   
EB : i mean i love her and all but she’s just really blunt! and half the time she totally doesn’t even get why a problem is even a problem!   
EB : but rose was all like “oh is this the problem you’re having? well i promise it’s not actually a problem because of all these reasons.”   
TG : dude i promise you will get so sick of her psychobabble   
TG : shes got multiple notebooks dedicated to all my so called issues and i swear to fuck she brings up my apparent phallic obsession every holiday   
EB : well you do sort of have a thing for dicks....   
TG : no shit dude im gay   
EB : yeah... <3   
TG : dork   
TG : <3

**=== >**

Terezi follows you ~~home~~ to Dave’s house a couple of days later, insisting your... outfit for their annual event meets her criteria. Apparently Rose’s girlfriend is huge into sewing so she’s making or repurposing stuff for everybody and so you’ve got to go try on gold booty shorts so she can make any adjustments needed. You’re really not sure why Terezi and her approval needs to be there, but you’re really not going to argue with a lawyer. Even if she’s not officially yet a lawyer. You feel like that would turn out really bad for you so you just let her tag along.

She gives you A Look when she sees you have keys to their building and, like Dave, she bee-lines it to the stairs. You still take the elevator. Fuck the Striders and their stupid thing with stairs; you are a lazy motherfucker and elevators were invented for a reason.

You know Dave’s got another hour’s worth of class before he even starts heading home -- you figured you’d get here early so you’d be able to make dinner without half a dozen people in your way -- but you’re a little surprised to see Dirk chilling out on the couch. Then again, his schedule is so erratic you honestly really _shouldn’t_ be surprised.

Terezi goes, “Dirky-pie!” and jumps onto the couch with the man the same way Rose’s mom did. 

Dirk must see the confused look most definitely on your face because he tells you, “What can I say, bitches love me.”

“ _I’m_ his favourite,” Terezi tells you smugly. You roll your eyes.

“Actually,” Dirk corrects, “He’s my favourite. He cooks.”

Terezi cackles at that, slumping into the corner of the couch, and you grumble as you slouch into the kitchen to... cook.

Sigh.

They watch some Law and Order reruns while you cook, and their banter over all the shit that’s wrong or totally obvious or various other smart people law shit makes for amusing background noise. You can just barely hear Dirk over the sizzling of meat, but you’re pretty sure the neighbors know Terezi’s opinion of the show.

Dave comes in while you’re checking the shepards pie, plastering himself to your back with his arms around your waist while you’re bent over to peer into the oven.

“You’re home early,” you say, standing under his drooping weight.

He hums, “Yup, Rose picked me up on her way here.”

“Ah.”

They’re not actually in the apartment yet, but Dave’s left the door wide open and you can hear them talking as they climb the stairs -- you _really_ don’t understand why everyone takes the stairs to get here. 

You’re expecting Rose’s super desaturated gothy-punk look when they finally step through the door. You are _not_ expecting her girlfriend to look like she fell out of a fashion magazine. You’re also not expecting how drastically different they are. They’re literally like day and night and it’s kind of weird.

You also were not aware actually gold lipstick was a thing.

“You can pick your jaw off the floor any time, John,” Rose tells you smugly and you dimly hear Dirk going, “That’s my girl,” from the living room.

Dave snorts against your neck and Rose’s girlfriend grins at you. She has fangs and all of a sudden it’s no longer weird that they’re dating. You pick your jaw up off the floor and actually shut the oven again, adding a couple extra minutes to your estimated cook time, while Dave goes, “John, Kanaya; Kan, John.”

“Nice to meet you,” you tell her on autopilot, still a little stunned. She gives you a polite, “Likewise,” and they join Dirk and Terezi in the living room.

Dave presses his lips against your shoulder, still wrapped around you. You ask him, quietly, if he’s okay, and he nods; “Just missed you.”

You laugh as you twist in his arms, attempting to face him, “Dude I literally saw you this morning. I slept in your bed.”

He had been a little extra clingy, though. You just figured it was because all the hickies you left on him were extra dark, even still, and he felt bad about covering them up (though the make up stuff he got doesn’t actually hide them. They’re still visible, just not quite so dramatically, so you thought it was kind of silly.)

“I know,” he tells you, cheek against your temple. His hesitance is almost palpable before he mumbles, “Sorry.”

“For what?”

“For roping you into meeting like, all of my exes.”

“Don’t be,” you squeeze him a little tighter around the waist, “I’m the one who was a dickbag about it.”

“You weren’t being a dickbag.”

“I was being a dickbag. I fully recognize my ability to be a dickbag, so quit apologizing already.”

He snorts and squirms out of the circle of your arms, snapping a salute as he steps back with a fake-smarmy smirk and wow. Okay. You totally recognize that salute, with the triple wrist flick and general dweebiness. You were not aware of your boyfriend’s interest in terrible British sci-fi comedy.

“C’mon, Rimmer,” you snort, grinning as you nudge his shoulder, “Don’t be a dick.”

“Does that make you Lister?”

You waggle your eyebrows at him, “The dreadlock mullet was _totally_ the height of fashion in the late eighties, you know.”

Dave snickers, “How would you know? You were hardly even thought of in the eighties.”

“And how does that make you _feel_ , dear uncle?” Rose interrupts, and her girlfriend swats her in the shoulder, not looking up from where she’s apparently pinning Terezi into a jacket. Rose deadpans an _ouch_. She’s leaned over the back of the futon, chin in one hand, watching you and Dave intently. She smiles sweetly before she says, “Have you finished with your lover’s spat?”

Her girlfriend -- Kan-something? Shit you forgot already -- flicks her again and chides, “You promised, love.”

Rose rolls her eyes in the same over-exaggerated way Dave does; “My sincerest apologies. Have you finished with the intensely personal conversation you decided to have in the middle of the kitchen whilst you had guests?”

You can totally feel yourself blush because she’s right, wow, but Dave snorts, “Yeah, that’s worse, princess.”

She smiles again, broad and sweet and kind of creepy, and this time it’s Dirk who nudges her.

“Don’t be such a brat, brat.”

She snickers and twists, sliding to sit on the couch proper. Dave wanders over to the rest of them and Terezi makes faces at him. You’re left to lean against the counter and, gosh, it’s really cute watching your boyfriend interact with his family.

You get enough down time for dinner to finish. As you turn back towards everyone else after pulling the dish from the oven, you’re confronted with a pair of metallic gold shorts.

Very small metallic gold shorts.

“Your turn,” Terezi sings. She’s now in a sparkly sequin jacket, the same one Dave wore in the picture he sent you from last year. You have a feeling she’s not going to take it off anytime soon. You have a feeling you’re also not going to get out of trying on the shorts.

You only make a bit of a face when you take the shorts, sighing as you head off to Dave’s room to pull them on.

They.

Don’t fit over your boxers.

Your underwear are literally bigger than the pants you are supposed to wear.

“They don’t fit!” you call down the hall, head poked out the door in just your teeshirt and boxers.

Rose’s girlfriend steps into view and asks, “How do they not fit?”

“They’re really little!”

“That’s helpful.”

You smack your forehead against the door jam; “They’re a lot smaller than my underwear.”

“Then don’t wear underwear.”

“But that’s gross!”

Dave’s laughter at that almost rivals Terezi’s and you can just barely see the top of his head as he leans back on the couch.

“Top drawer, babe,” he says, “Sure somethin’ll fit you.”

You don’t want to wear your boyfriend’s underwear either but it’s better than _just_ wearing the shorts, you guess. It’ll add an extra layer so maybe your junk isn’t quite so perfectly outlined.

The pair of Dave’s boxers you pull on are a little too tight around the thighs, and just barely fit under the gold shorts. Barely. They’re too long still and you’re definitely starting to regret agreeing to this in the first place.

You’re tucking the bottom of the boxers up as best as you can when what’s-her-face asks, “How’s everything going?”

“I think my ass is falling out.”

Actually, there’s no thinking about it. Your ass is definitely not contained by these shorts.

“Can I see?” She says it in a clipped, professional tone, and her words are followed by a chorus of enthusiastic yes-es because your boyfriend and everyone else filling his living room are douchebags. You grumble and shuffle out because it’s not worth trying to argue.

Sigh.

Kanaya -- that’s her name -- circles you as you walk out, inspecting you (and your ass). Dave and Rose are turned backwards on the couch, Terezi’s slouched in one of the kitchen chairs someone apparently dragged over, and they’re all intently watching.

“Shirt,” Kanaya says, “Take it off.”

Her no nonsense tone makes arguing with Terezi sound fun. You just take off your shirt and try really hard not to blush. Somehow, you actually manage not to, despite wearing pretty much nothing but a pair of shorts literally smaller than any pair of underwear you’ve ever had.

And then Dirk lets out a long, low wolf whistle, stopped dead in the kitchen with the fridge wide open. You cover your face with one hand, knuckles nudging your glasses out of the way and you really wonder _why_ you agreed to this.

“Damn coolkid,” Terezi says, awestruck, “You picked a good one.”

“Sure did, dang.”

Kanaya comes up to you and tugs on the shorts in a couple of places, muttering to herself, and then she tells you that you can change.

You have never been so thankful to get undressed.

**=== >**

“You know, you really don’t have to be Rocky,” Dave tells you, again, later that night when you’re getting ready for bed.

“I know. It’s okay though; I don’t mind.”

“You sure?” You nod and he bumps his hip against yours. “Kay. Kan says she’ll be able to lengthen the shorts an inch or so in either direction which should help cover your ass, so there’s that. She says you should get a jock strap or something too.”

You shrug; “Okay.”

“Really,” he shoots you a deadpan look, one eyebrow raised, “Not gonna be awkward about it?”

“Nope,” you flop across his bed, stretching, “Why would I be? You wear ‘em in wresting usually.”

You look over just in time to see the flush crawling across his face and his voice is flat when he says, “You were a wrestler?”

“Yep, jv and varsity.”

“I, wow, okay,” he looks away, rubbing his knuckles against the bridge of his nose, adorably flustered, “Why’d you get so worked up ‘bout the shorts then?”

You snort, “Because your brother freaking whistled at me, dick.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

You sit up a little, eyeing him. He wrinkles his nose at you and flops face first across the bed next to you.

“Shut up,” he grumbles. You can see how his blush is creeping down his neck now and you snicker.

“You’re a little too interested in my wrestling ability, Dave.”

He groans, “Shut up!” and you laugh harder.

“Wow, sporting events musta been real awkward for you, huh?”

He rolls over just to punch you and his face is beautifully red. You nudge him over all the way, pinning him down with your palm against his shoulder and, when you hover over him, his breath hitches.

You kiss him, gently, and he melts into your touch. He’s already noticeably hard when you wedge one thigh between his, rolling your hips down. The reaction you get is immediate -- stuttered gasps and a beautifully arched back.

“Did you actually want a try at some sexy fisticuffs?” you ask him quietly, your face a hair’s breadth from his. You can feel his dick throb where it’s pinned against your hipbone, but he shakes his head after a moment’s thought.

“Joints couldn’t take it,” he swallows audibly, chin tilting up just a little more, like he’s offering you his throat, “It’d be hot as fuck though.”

You snicker and nuzzle the side of his face, “You just want me to pin you down.”

“Yeah, maybe throw me ‘round a little too.”

“Perv.”

“Yeah, but you love me.”

He’s chuckling, warm and happy with eyes half lidded and this tiny, gorgeous little smile and wow. You’re still sort of dumbfounded every time you realize how completely head over heels you are for him.

And then you push your hips against his again and he sucks in a sharp breath. You groan quietly, face pressed to his neck, while his arms circle your shoulders.

(You like that you can shut him up so easily.)

Your quiet rocking is only really punctuated when he nudges you back a little with a breathy laugh so he can push your boxers down. You reach over him to grab the lube, filling his hand so he can wrap his long fingers around the both of you.

It’s a nice way to end the night.

**=== >**

Halloween comes pretty quickly after that and you do, actually, end up a little more than okay with the lack of clothing you’ll be wearing. It’s _hot_. Like, really hot.

Okay, it’s not that hot but you had totally forgotten that you’re capable of literally wearing shorts basically all year ‘round here rather than just _most_ of the year. You still opted for a pair of compression shorts over an actual jock; twenty plus years of wet and cold Halloweens have you automatically gravitating towards warmth.

Plus, you figured it’d be nice to not have your booty sticking to whatever seat you end up in.

Which is totally a problem Dave is going to be having, decked out in ruffled panties and thigh highs the way he is. You’re also definitely thankful for the compression shorts’ compression abilities because wow, he was not kidding about his legs looking good in the stockings. Not that you actually have a panty fetish. You just happen to be dating an attractive guy who just happens to look good in women’s lingerie.

He kind of looks hilarious in just socks and panties though, with his hair clipped back so Rose and Kanaya can fuss over his make up.

Well, actually, everyone in Dave’s apartment currently looks hilarious. Except for Terezi. She looks about normal, just extra with sparkle in the sequin jacket and shorts that are almost as short as yours (well, and make up, which is pretty weird for her). Kanaya has absolutely impeccable make up combined with granny panties and a labcoat which, as weird as it is, is not as weird as seeing Rose sans all her dark make up. She doesn’t even look goth anymore!

Just. Kind of terribly stuck in the eighties which is something you will never, ever say to her face because you’re still convinced she’ll eat your soul.

So, actually, compared to everyone else, Dave actually probably looks the least weird of all of you, even for all the make up they’re slathering on him.

(And you don’t think that just because you were totally right about him looking good in red lipstick.)

Okay, maybe “least weird” isn’t exactly right. Your boyfriend definitely does look weird in drag but it’s a _classy_ sort of weird, you guess.

You really should stop thinking about how attractive your boyfriend is. It’s probably not going to be comfortable for any of you if you end up with a boner, you least of all. They don’t call them compression shorts for nothing, jeeze.

Finally, they finish up fussing over Dave and he stands so they can lace him into the corset he’s supposed to wear.

It’s a real corset.

Oh no. That’s a thing.

That is most definitely a thing.

You still really don’t think you have a thing for crossdressing but you _definitely_ enjoy the sight of your sub with his fingers laced behind his head, grunting and gasping as the corset is pulled tighter around his middle. And the movement restrictions and shallow breathing?

Yeah. That’s a thing.

Somehow, you still manage to maintain an expression that does not completely betray your thoughts, quietly tucking your new ideas away for later discussion. And then Dave smirks at you with cherry red lips and gasps, “Enjoying the view, babe?”

You end up turning a spectacular shade of red while you choke on your spit and Terezi all but kicks you as she cackles.

“Should we fear for the eyes of young children?” Kanaya asks with an elegantly raised eyebrow and the slightest peek of a fang. Rose and Dave both make a totally unattractive snort-laugh at that and Terezi wheezes, “I’d fear for my eyes if I wasn’t already half bind.”

You try very hard to suddenly develop the ability to teleport. Alas, you are not secretly a mutant, so you just facepalm extra hard and whine, “That’s what the compression shorts are for.”

Unfortunately, that just makes everyone laugh even harder.

Fuck your life. Also, “Fuck you guys, seriously.”

“No, John, I completely understand. Dave is quite fetching in drag.”

“Shut up, Rose.”

“She’s right, Dave, you’re decidedly ogle worthy.”

You scowl at Terezi and her wiggling eyebrows, which only makes her laugh harder.

“Alright, that’s enough teasing,” Rose chides (sarcastically you bet), “Your turn, John.”

“My turn what?”

“For make up, dude.” You stare at Dave but he just shrugs, “It’s important if you’re gonna end up with your picture taken.”

“And pictures are always taken.”

You wrinkle your nose at your boyfriend and his niece while Kanaya comes at you with a paintbrush thing.

“What, were you a model too,” you grumble as Kanaya takes your chin, Rose on stand by next to you with their big box of make up stuff.

Dave replies, “Nope, other side of the lense usually. It’s a whole lot easier to edit photos well if the models have eyeliner, at the very least though. Alas, such is the fate of those who know professional photographers and fashion designers.”

You make faces the entire time Kanaya fusses with your face. Kanaya makes faces back at you though, which is probably the funniest thing ever.

“Quit grousing,” she tells you with comically pursed lips. You cross your eyes at her instead and she snickers, “I am going to stab you in the eye if you keep that up.”

Rose assures you, “She’s not going to stab you in the eye.”

_Dave_ assures you, “She’s probably going to stab you in the eye. She almost stabbed _me_ in the eye and I wasn’t being a dick.”

“But you’re always a dick, darling uncle.”

“If you keep making me laugh, I really will stab him in the eye.”

“Please don’t stab me in the eye!”

Kanaya has to sit back while she laughs to keep from actually freaking stabbing you in the eye, and over her shoulder you can see Dave has fixed his hair and re-adorned himself with his sunglasses and, wait, are those nipple pasties? Yeah. You’re pretty sure those are nipple pasties, hot pink heart shaped nipple pasties. You can’t decide if he looks completely absurd or only _mostly_ absurd but either way, you’re glad you’re actually dating him because otherwise you’d find him uncomfortably attractive.

Kanaya looks over her shoulder at him too and sighs, with only a little laugh, “Oh, I see how it is. i spend all that time giving you atrociously campy eye make up and you cover it up with your sunglasses.”

He shrugs; “Gotta minimize the headache.”

“The shades look acceptably ridiculous with the rest of him though!” Terezi supplies. You agree with her and Dave gives you a dry, “Thanks.”

Kanaya leans back into you, shaking her head with a grin, to finish up your make up.

It occurs to you that the idea of make up being for only girls or pansies or whatever is really dumb. You have no idea how girls are okay with basically poking at their eyeballs repetitively with sharp implements every day. That’s hardcore.

Then again the idea of contacts really grosses you out so maybe you’re just extra amazed by the whole make up thing because ew, things in your _eyeballs_.

You don’t end up with a faceful like Dave did, at least, so you’re done in no time, once Kanaya stops laughing.

“Alright, that’s everything then?” Rose muses. It sounds a little more to herself than anything.

“Yeah, think so,” Dave tells her, “You got all our shit?”

“Phone, keys, wallet, times three, plus your shoes and John’s glasses. We should be good. Are you bringing your camera?”

“Nope, that’s all on Eridan this time.”

“You might want to inform him then. He’s been blowing up your phone all evening.”

You try really, really hard not to frown at the mention of one of Dave’s exes. You probably don’t succeed, considering Terezi scoots up next to you leaning in to murmur, “If you decide to punch Eridan, it’ll probably be because he’s a pretentious dick bag over anything else.”

“That’s comforting.”

She snickers, “Well, you’re friends with me and I dated Dave too.”

“Well, you’re a girl and Dave’s gay so...” you trail off with a shrug.

“So? I probably fucked Dave in the ass more times than Eridan did.”

You stare, open mouthed, at her for a couple seconds; “I did not need to know that.”

“Can you blame me though? He’s got a really great ass.” She wiggles her eyebrows at you and you groan.

“Still didn’t need to know that!”

“She doesn’t actually mean any offers for threesomes,” Dave interrupts, hovering over the both of you, “Let’s bounce, yo.”

He slips his hand into yours, dragging you from the couch and out the door, like he’s trying to reassure you, which is silly! You, well, okay, yeah. You sort of do need reassurance. There’s a reason why you’re not friends with any of your exes (besides Jade, of course), after all. And that’s sort of depressing, and definitely not something you want to dwell on when you’re supposed to be having fun.

So you sort of just squeeze his hand a little and try to relax.

And besides, you remind yourself, all your girlfriends-cheating-on-you-with-their-exes problems have stemmed from, well, too-pretty girls who were kind of not really that great to begin with. While Dave is indeed hot as fuck, he also spews coffee out his nose if you make him laugh at just the right moment and is way totally into you.

Whoops, you’re monologuing.

You’re the last ones out -- besides Rose, who locks the door -- headed down the stairs after the rest of your group and a handful teenagers still fucking around. Dave stares deadpan at one particularly douchey looking group of boys and even without your glasses you can see the dawning horror upon their faces when they realize they’re checking out a dude.

You totally join Terezi in cackling for like, three flights of stairs because of it.

The five of you clamber into Rose’s minivan, Dave nudging you towards the very back. Terezi slaps you in the arm when she sees the way you wiggle your eyebrows at him, giggling, and Rose calls back, “No fucking in Nana’s van, Dave, you know the rules.”

“It wasn’t me!”

“This time.”

Terezi sits in the very back with you, jabbing Dave in the ribs with her elbows (both of them, somehow) as she does up her seat belt. Dave avoids them largely by crowding into your seat (which you can’t really say you’re opposed to).

“Dave, you know I can see in the rear view, right?”

“Not doin’ anything, ma,” Dave whines back, sliding from his position half in your lap with an over the top pout, made comical by his red lipstick.

Terezi leans over his lap, elbow digging into one of his thighs so she can rest her chin on a fist and she grins sharp and devilish at you; “I am one hundred percent okay with threesomes, and I vote that Dave would look pretty good sandwiched between us.”

Dave sputters and pushes her back by her face, and his blush looks _terrible_ with all the make up slathered on him.

“Okay, nope, this was a bad idea, don’t make me turn the car around kids.”

Terezi cackles and you learn Rose takes corners too sharply; Dave slides into you as she pulls out of their parking lot area and Terezi leans back a little, twisted in her seat to prop one knee against his hip.

“We could tag team him,” she tells you seriously. Dave groans and slinks down in his seat and then she wiggles her eyebrows again, “I hear you’re a pretty good dom too.”

You cover your face with your hands -- hey look, no glasses in your way! -- but somehow, for as awkward as this entire conversation has suddenly become, your voice ends up staying pretty steady when you say, “I don’t think I could actually handle two subs at once.”

Her cherry red lips quirk down in an over exaggerated frown -- holy fuck wait, you just got propositioned for a threesome by the Joker -- and she makes a little, “Hmm,” sound and shrugs; “Understandable. Could still tag team. Or, oh! I could watch. Dave’s quite the exhibitionist, you know.”

You groan, “I know,” the same time Dave groans, “He knows,” and Rose snaps, “No fuckin’ in Nana’s van!”

“We’re not fuckin’ back here, shut up!”

Oh sibling bickering. The one good thing about being an only child is the lack of sibling bickering. Then again, Dave and Rose aren’t actually siblings? You guess it doesn’t matter since mostly you’re just looking for something else to focus on. Terezi’s, cough, propositions are sort of gaining appeal, if only for how flustered they’re making Dave.

“She doesn’t actually mean any offers for threesomes,” Dave grumbles.

Terezi rolls her eyes, “I don’t actually mean any offers for threesomes. Not saying I wouldn’t be down but it’s hi _larious_ to watch you sputtering.”

“Wow, jerk.”

She snickers at you, settling back in her seat, and Dave leans against you just a little.

“Not gonna lie, though,” she says, “that’s totally one of my things. If you’re ever interested.”

“Alright then,” Dave calls, “I’m changing the subject. So Rosie, how do you feel about me bein’ in your girl’s panties?”

“I find it quite titillating.”

“So how ‘bout that threesome.”

You just about die laughing, the absurdity of it all compounded by the way Terezi swoons, “Oh mister Strider, oh!”

The van pulls up to a house and the door slides open while you’re still giggling like crazy, Dave blushing clear down to his nipple pasties, and the guy who leans in stares in silence, eyebrows raised, for a good thirty seconds before he says, “I’m just not going to ask,” and clambers in. Laughter sounds behind him and, oh hey! That’s Aradia.

“Dave’s predominantly clad in my underwear,” Kanaya supplies calmly.

“And Rose is being a creep about it.”

“I’m always a creep, how is this unexpected?” Rose snorts, “Also, you’re the one who brought it up, dear uncle.”

“She, uh. Has a point, Dave. About being a creep.”

Aradia passes him a pair of poles -- canes??? -- and climbs into the van next to him, so you’re guessing he’s her boyfriend which means he’s Dave’s nice-guy ex? She shoots a broad grin and an enthusiastic wave back at the three of you.

“Tav, this is John.”

He smiles just as wide as Aradia; “Hi, I’ve, I’ve heard a lot about you. Mostly, uh, good stuff. So it’s nice to finally, you know, meet.”

Okay. Dave was right. This guy’s really nice; there’s no way you can’t not like him, judging from the way you automatically grin back, even if he _has_ fucked your boyfriend.

Before he was your boyfriend. Wow this pretty stupid.

Anyways, you return his greeting and he tells Dave, “So I’m thinking of putting together a Heartless Hedetsugu EDH.”

“I immediately went and found a Pithing Needle,” Aradia says, and Dave snorts, “Tap effect then?”

“Yep,” Tav says, “Deals damage to each player equal to half their life.”

“Ouch. Each player or each opponent?”

“Each player but there are lots of, uh, equipments that have life gain.”

“It’s mono-red though.”

“So basically just bounce the fuck outta the gen and artifact hate.”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

You are so confused.

Terezi leans back behind Dave to mouth, “Nerds,” at you, making you snicker again.

Tav apparently hears, or sees, because he goes, “Uh, yeah. Says the queen of larp.”

You don’t know what that means either but he and Dave high five and Terezi flips him off, so you figure it’s safe to assume larp is a nerd thing.

“I take it you don’t play,” Tav says, to you this time, “I have a lot of extra decks so, uh. I could teach you. If you want, I mean.”

“They’re talking about Magic, by the way,” Rose supplies from the front seat.

Okay now you’re even more confused; “That does not sound like any magic I know.”

Dave chokes on his spit when he snorts at that.

“Wow, uh, what sort of magic do you know?”

“Like, regular magic? Card tricks and stuff mostly, I guess.”

“Wow, that’s really cool!”

“Jesus christ, you are actually silent casting a summoning charm then. I’m fucking Harry Potter.”

“Do share the details; I’m always in need of ideas for my fics.”

“Damnit Rose.”

“Actually, I’d think he’s more like the twins, considering the pranking.”

“I see. Who does that make Dave then?”

“Harry, I’d wager.”

“Yup, got the same pig headed saviour complex.”

“Thanks Aradia, you’re a doll.”

“But a Weasley twin sandwich with Potter filling. Could be good, especially considering the dynamic within the source material.”

You are completely speechless and Dave is again blushing clear down to his nipple pasties, head in his hands.

“So tell me Dave, what does your dom do that makes you think he’s capable of silent casting a complicated spell such as the summoning charm?”

Dave’s only reply is, “Nope.”

You get a quartet of expectant stares and you raise your hands in surrender; “Don’t look at me, I have no idea.”

“You must know _something_. You’re the one doing it.”

“I really don’t though! I palm things things a lot, just out of habit, so maybe that?”

“What’s palming?”

This Tav guy is officially your favourite for changing the subject.

“It’s where you, like. Palm things.”

“You don’t say.”

You laugh as you elbow your boyfriend for being a dickhead, “It’s sort of hard to explain? Like, with words. It’s holding on to things in a way that other people can’t see it without it being obvious that you’re holding something, I guess.”

You have nothing on hand to demonstrate since you’re wearing booty shorts but Dave turns a little redder, somehow, forehead in his palm like he’s Picard, so you’re betting it’s probably your unconscious palming that’s the cause of whatever thing you do that makes him think you’re a wizard.

There’s about three seconds of silence in the car before Terezi snorts and says, “I would not have guessed you had a crazy dex bonus,” and you’re back to sputtering confused laughter.

“What does that even mean?”

“Dexterity. I take it you find his apparent plus four quite pleasing, correct, Dave?”

And you’ve circled back to innuendos being thrown Dave’s way. He just shakes his head and says, “I am not involving myself in this conversation.”

“Spoilsport.”

“No, dude, I am a grown ass adult. I am not going to talk about whether or not my partner does magic tricks while we’re fuckin’, okay?”

“Oh, but you used to love to brag.”

“Yeah, and then you started spewing the same sort of shit back at me, princess, and I realized how uncomfortable it is.”

“So John,” Terezi grins at you, “Do you do magic tricks while you’re fucking?”

**=== >**

It’s almost a relief to make it to the theatre by the time you actually get there. You were starting to stick to the side of the van and to Dave because of all your naked skin; how girls wear so little all the time you will never fathom. It wasn’t fun peeling your thighs from Dave’s. 

You’re the last one out, being wedged into the back corner as you are, so you get the full holy shit you apparently arrived in a clowncar -- there are a lot of you, wow.

Also, you had almost forgotten how good Dave looks in his outfit but wow. He definitely looks good, especially with his shades propped up on top of his head.

Rose starts passing out phones again, giving Dave’s to him with an, “Don’t forget to text Eridan,” and yours to you with, “You’ve got a text.”

It’s Jade, obviously.

GG : heeeeey happy halloween ;DDDD   
GG : dave promised me pictures and im holding you to that too!!!

You grin at your phone and text her back.

EB : dave assures me there will be lots and lots of pictures.   
EB : one of his friends is apparently a professional photographer and i guess dave also takes pictures.   
GG : :O?? really??? cool :D   
EB : yeah. means i ended up subjected to wearing make up though :I   
GG : heeeheee X333   
EB : psh you’re a butthead.   
GG : yep!! :D   
GG : pics or it didn’t happen!!!   
EB : well then no pics.   
GG : aww D:   
EB : dave’s wearing a whole lot more make up than me though, since he’s frankenfurter   
GG : frank n furter   
EB : yes that.   
GG : again pics or it didnt happen :DDDD

You show Dave her messages and he laughs too, slinging an arm around your neck to pull you against him.

“Well, we’ll just have to give the lady what she wants, huh?” he croons, bringing his phone up to myspace levels. Terezi leans in at the last second and Dave sends the picture of the three of you to Jade.

She replies to him.

GG : ooooh wow you make a really great frank dave :DDDD   
GG : and johns rocky and terezi is columbia???   
TG : yep   
GG : whos everyone else???   
TG : aradias magenta and her bf is riff raff then my niece is meatloaf her gf is janet and one of our other friends is brad

Wow, Dave types really fast. You _knew_ he typed fast, but you didn’t quite realize it was _that_ fast until you actually watched him type.

He turns his phone to take pictures of everyone else too, and Terezi attempts to photobomb them all. Jade is really excited in all her texts back and it’s pretty obvious how badly she wishes she was here too. 

CA : wwoww is your beau evven wwearin clothes there strider

Dave snorts and you watch from under his arm as he texts back.

TG : dont be jelly bro youre not wearing much more   
CA : you dont knoww that   
TG : dude youre brad youre wearing just as much as kan is   
CA : wwait is he readin this ovver your shoulder fuckin rude   
TG : under technically   
CA : fuck you

Dave snickers under his breath and you ask, “Dude, what is with his typing?”

“Eridan is a total goon, is what,” he laughs, “And here’s the dick prince himself.”

“Thought yer bro was the dick prince, dick prince.”

Dave smirks and Rose supplies, “Eloquent,” and wow how is everyone Dave knows super attractive? Like, you’re pretty sure the hand thrust out for you to shake belongs to a model. Along with the rest of him.

He rolls his eyes as he shakes your hand, grip firm, and says, “Eridan Ampora. It’s a right pleasure to meet you, I’m sure.”

“Uh, John. It’s nice to meet you too.”

“So, Uh John, how did you meet Dave?”

You open your mouth to reply and -- shit. You can’t very well say you ended up meeting him for anonymous sex.

“The internet,” Dave interjects, “Don’t be an asshole.”

“He is Brad for a reason,” Kanaya snarks and Eridan turns to flip her off.

“Alright, Dave,” Rose says, and her grin is extra weird without her usual black lipstick, “Time for you to put on your shoes.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Your boyfriend detangles himself from you, spinning on his heel to drop his ass onto one of the van’s seats. You can’t help but laughing as he grunts, not quite reaching his feet with his torso locked into position.

“Fuck you,” he snaps, giving up on trying to bend over, crossing one knee over his other instead.

“Maybe later,” you grin.

He blows you a kiss, winking, and the way his tongue flicks out across the innermost part of his bottom lip, where his lipstick is already fading, gives you butterflies.

Your phone pings in your hand while he fights to get his shoes off.

GC : 1M GL4D YOUV3 F1N4LLY STOPP3D FUCK1NG 4ROUND   
GC : 1 WOULD H4V3 H4D TO PUNCH YOU 1N TH3 D1CK H4D YOU CONT1NU3D TO 4VO1D YOUR R3L4T1ONSH1P WITH D4V3 1N PUBL1C >:]   
EB : um, thanks?   
GC : YOUR3 W3LCOM3 >:]

When you look up again, Dave is carefully sliding into a pair of monstrously tall heels, hands braced against the edge of the van, and his legs go on forever.

“Okay no, I don’t think I can actually walk in these,” he says, wobbling a little as he stands full upright. You get him under one elbow while Rose catches the other and you hope it’s dark enough to hide your blush. You are uncomfortably invested in your boyfriend wearing lingerie.

“You good?” Rose asks. Dave nods and she lets go of his arm. You stay next to him, passing your phone back to Rose for safe keeping, and it feels like he’s putting half his weight against you.

“Okay, fuck parking lots,” he says, scowling, “Jesus christ, how do you wear these things; my feet hurt already.”

Kanaya laughs, “Why do you think my calves are so fantastic?”

Dave groans and takes a dainty step forwards, and you have to sling your arm all the way around his waist when he teeters dangerously. He rests his cheek against the top of your head to mumble a, “Thanks, babe,” which isn’t anything unusual. Him having to lean down to do so, though, is. You think he’s literally an entire fucking foot taller than you now.

Somehow, you manage to get Dave all the way across the parking lot without him murdering himself via too tall shoes. He doesn’t duck enough to get in under the door, knocking the sunglasses from atop his head. They clatter to the ground behind him and he stops dead.

“Fuck.” And then he goes, “I can’t bend over, someone pick them up.”

Aradia circles ‘round, glasses in hand and a broad grin on her face, a little pinched like she’s trying not to laugh.

“Shut up,” Dave teases, “Can’t help it if I’m an amazon princess.”

You’re hella early, apparently; it’s mostly empty inside as you buy your tickets. There’s a couple of scattered groups in the theatre proper already, talking and laughing amongst themselves.

Dave draws an aura of awed silence, chin high and shoulders back as he strides in on your arm. He only wobbles a little bit when the floor goes from flat to slightly inclined. Someone calls, “Looking good, Frank,” and he raises one hand in a wave, blowing a kiss in the correct direction.

“Yer a regular queen, ain’tchu,” Eridan drawls.

Dave laughs, “What do you think I did for my high school talent show?”

“Spoilers,” Rose calls, “It wasn’t a drag performance.”

“You’re no fun, princess.”

“Nope.”

Rose ducks around him, followed by Aradia, and they dump their bags in the second row half a dozen seats apart. Eridan joins them, shrugging out of the weird looking bag he carries. Dave stops by the end of the row, shifting his weight.

“These shoes suck dick,” he complains.

“You can take them off during the actual movie,” Kanaya tells him.

“Thank god.”

Your hand slips a little down his side, smoothing over the artificial curve the corset gives his hips. You really like the feel of it, silky and stiff under your fingers. Dave hardly even notices, though, watching Eridan pull out a super ultra fancy camera.

Oh right, pictures.

Eridan takes a bunch, dictating poses briskly. You’re a little flabbergasted, doing your best to follow his directions. It doesn’t take long before a bunch of other people come up to take pictures too.

(There’s a good ten minutes of just Dave posing, alternating between flirting with with each camera and with you.

He does make a very good alien transvestite mad scientist.)

Then Dave takes over the picture taking and it’s fascinating to watch him handle the camera.

“Jesus why is your shutter speed so low?”

“Don’ fuck with my setting!”

“I’m fucking with your settings.”

“Shoulda brought your own camera then.”

Dave levels Eridan with a deadpan stare and says, “Have you seen my shoes? If I’m gonna fall over with a camera in hand, it’s sure as fuck ain’t gonna be _mine_.”

Eridan looks entirely affronted and Dave snaps a picture of him.

“Shut up, I’m not gonna drop your camera. Go get with everyone else.”

**=== >**

Aradia passes out props, sending them down the line from Dave’s other side. Your boyfriend has (unfortunately) ditched his heels, swapped back to his grungy hightops. His stockings are silky against your knee and really distracting.

Rose passed back your phone when you were finally allowed to sit down, and Dave’s is tucked into the top of one of his stockings. Naturally you decide to text him while you wait for the movie to start.

EB : i was totally right about you looking good in red lipstick.   
EB : wanna bet i was right about you looking good with your red lips around my cock too?

Dave glances at you as he pulls out his phone and you watch his face colour when he reads your messages. He goes to type something, erases it, and tries again.

TG : aiuofaisdhgasd   
TG : wow okay holy fuck

You snicker as he crosses his legs, hands folded in his lap. Then the lights dim and voice calls over the sound system, “Happy Halloween, ghouls and boys.”

**=== >**

Dave’s cuddled up to you in the back seat of the van again, half asleep against your side. You’re on the way to the traditional post Rocky Denny’s trip, texting Jade.

GG : so how was it???   
EB : lots of fun, actually!   
EB : why the hell are you still awake though???   
GG : too much candy :DD me and fef made karkles come out with us   
GG : he and sol spent the entire night arguing and it was super cute X3   
GG : did you get your cherry popped?????   
EB : sort of? dave made me go up when they called for all the virgins but i wasn’t one of the victims chosen.   
EB : kind of wish i was though! it was really funny what they had them do.   
GG : did they have them do the condom on the banana thing????   
EB : nope, humped to pop balloons.   
GG : omfg that sounds so great!!!!   
EB : it was pretty funny.   
EB : dave was totally a better frank than the girl actually playing frank in the production though.   
GG : ahhahahah X3   
GG : yeah that happens sometimes   
EB : you should totally go to bed you know. it’s almost two here so it’s what, four there?   
GG : yep :3   
GG : sols still up playing video games though so im watching him :33   
GG : id totally be kicking his ass except hes a stupidhead who only has one controller o 3o   
EB : lol beeeeeed.   
GG : noooooooooo   
GG : youre not my real mom!!! you cant make me!!!   
EB : >I   
GG : >I   
GG : fiiiiine ill probably go to bed soon = 3=   
EB : good.   
GG : go enjoy your dennys!!!!

And lo and behold, Rose is pulling into the parking lot. You nudge Dave back into full consciousness; his make up is a little faded around his eyes, softened from the sharp lines he started out with, but his lips are fully filled in again. He flippantly demanded a touch up before the eight of you left the theatre, much to your delight. Rewarding him as soon as you get home has been at the forefront of your mind ever since.

Thankfully, you invested in a pair of really great compression shorts. Dave wasn’t so lucky. His shoes made for a good cover on the way out of the theatre but there was no hiding the suspicious bulge in the front of his panties, even with all the ruffles, when he climbed into the back of the van after you. His boner seems to have deflated on the way across town, though, and he clambers out after Tavros without issue.

Eridan and Terezi are already inside, having taken his car over. The eight of you take over the big corner booth and you feel sort of bad for the wait staff having to deal with you all.

You feel a little worse for the wait staff potentially having to deal with dickheads, considering all the dirty looks Dave garners, even not wearing the corset anymore; you mourn the loss of your attractive boyfriend attractively wearing an attractive corset but your soul is soothed by the red lipstick and thigh highs he’s still clad in. Also, he only bothered to zip the oversized hoodie he dug out of the back of the van up halfway, exposing his chest (and his ridiculous nipple pasties), and you think it looks really cute with the stockings.

(It’d look better if it was your jacket, in your opinion, but, well, you were in Rose’s car.)

You end up being the only one who actually looks at the menu while you wait for the waitress to get back. Everyone else chatters around you, except for Dave, who’s pretty quiet. You’re almost worried, but it’s not a sad quiet, it’s definitely a tired quiet and you’re sure Dave’s the oldest person here.

At least you’re not the youngest. That, you think, goes to Rose. You’re pretty sure Dave mentioned she was twenty.

Which means you are literally closer in age to his niece.

Fuck.

“The burger’s good,” he tells you, arm sneaking across the back of the booth, behind your shoulders.

“Which one? There’s an entire page dedicated to them.”

He snorts and flips over the weird special menu thing, pointing at one of the entries on the back; “That one. Cheap and delicious. Fried cheesemelt’s good too, but then Rose’ll spend the entire time pining over your sammich.”

“Ugh, you’re a cunt,” Rose says, directed at Dave, “How dare you mention the bane of my existence.”

Kanaya pats her shoulder; “There, there dear.”

“Mozzarella do sticks sound good though.” There’s a thump under the table and Eridan yelps, “What the fuck? I’m not gonna actually _order_ any.”

Rose drops her head against the back of the booth and sighs, “Curse you lactose,” complete with a dramatic fist shake towards the heavens.

Then the waitress comes back with a milkshake and a fleet of water glasses. The milkshake is set in front of Terezi and the waitress chirps, “Ready to order?”

Somehow, everyone just rattles off what they want while you have to look at the menu again to remember what it was you wanted.

After the waitress heads off to collect four coffees, a coke, and three desert blushes, whatever those are, Tavros pulls out a deck of cards and wiggles his eyebrows at you -- you’re starting to think it’s a Texas thing, because you’ve never met so many people with such control over their eyebrows.

“It would be, really cool, I think, if you’d be willing to show us a bit of magic, maybe.”

“Oh, uh, sure.” It’s a sealed deck, which is a little surprising, considering Aradia had passed out a bunch of mismatched cards wrapped in rubber bands earlier.

“We usually add another deck to the mix every year, so we have enough,” she says, as if she was reading your mind, “but, you know. Magic.”

“So that’s why we had fewer cards this year,” Rose muses.

You take the deck and flip it around in your fingers a couple of times, showing off a little; “Okay, who wants to be my volunteer then?” you ask.

Rose immediately supplies, “Dave,” and Dave goes, “Fuck no, I’ve already been subjected to his magic hands, thanks.”

Then he facepalms, ears turning red; “That did not come out right.”

“No it really didn’t.”

You shrug; “Kinda true though,” and Dave turns pinker.

“Thanks, babe,” he sighs. You pat his thigh. It’s probably better that he not be your victim. You’d have way too much fun having the card he’d end up picking haunting him and you like your boyfriend.

And this is a completely new set of people. That’s always fun.

Aradia offers herself up, which is probably best since she’s almost directly across from you. You unwrap the deck and pull out the cards, separating the premiums and the jokers from either end of the deck.

“So there’s a couple of different ways to shuffle,” you start, “There’s the regular riffle shuffle everyone does -- “ you demonstrate, the cards snapping together “ -- then there’s the one where you just mix up the cards on the table, that’s the sloppy shuffle but, welp, Denny’s, and the overhand and breaks and then there’s the Vegas shuffle -- “ you demonstrate them all “ -- where it’s just the corners of the cards, so no one sees the bottom cards, and makes their bets off of that.” You shuffle a couple extra times, taking care to let the cards slip from your grasp a little; you laugh, “Whoops, hah hah, I’m a little rusty.

“Then, of course, there’s the Texas shuffle,” you grin, lifting your eyebrows as you split the deck, flicking the stacks of cards against the table a good foot away from each other. You get a chorus of laughter, and Dave elbows you in the ribs while Terezi slaps your shoulder and cackles.

“Naw, I kid, that’s the Seattle shuffle; we’re all too stoned up there to shuffle cards right.”

You flip the deck over and search out the five cards you need.

“So this is Five Speed, it’s a pretty cool one;” you show Aradia the five cards in hand, then you show them to everyone else, “So it’s ace of spades, two, three, four, five of spades, all in order, right?

“Whoops, wait shit, not in order -- “ you flip the cards around in your fingers, shooting Dave a devilish smirk that has him blushing again, then reveal your hand once more, this time actually in order, and then square them up; “So what’s on top?”

“The ace?” Aradia says.

You flip the card out and around; “Correct;” then you create the break you need, “Alright, so that goes back in the middle of them -- “ you tuck the ace back and tilt the squared cards back towards her, “Now what’s on top?”

“The two?”

You flip the cards over and, “Nope,” it’s the ace. Laughter erupts again, and it’s the _holy shit_ sort of laughter. Your grin widens; “Okay, that was mean. Here, I’ll take the ace out.”

You pluck the ace out and set it aside, fanning out the remaining four cards to show them in order again; “So now it’s two through five,” and you square the cards, showing the back, “What’s on top?”

“The two?”

You flip the card over, “Yep,” it’s the two. You tuck it back where you need it and again ask, “So what’s on top now?”

“The two?”

You flip the cards over, grinning; “You’re catching on. So I’ll take the two out too, I guess -- “ you set the two off to the side, on top of the ace “ -- so that just leaves us with the three, four, and five.” You show them the cards, square them and tilt the back towards Aradia.

She preempts your question, saying, “It’s the three on top, right?”

“Yep, you got me,” you flip the top card to reveal the three, “But truth is -- “ you brush your hands together, swapping out the cards in your fingers “ -- I have a second three -- “ you repeat the motion “ -- and a third.” You shrug away the exclamations of _how the fuck??_ ; “But!” you flick the cards between your fingers, bringing the three to your left with the four and five pinched between the fingers of your right, “I still have the four and the five.”

That garners you a round of applause and you bow a little. Tav’s extra enthusiastic with his clapping. You shuffle the deck back together.

“Alright, so you guys know about cards, right? The whole hearts and spades and stuff, everyone does, but do you know about the jokers?” You get the appropriate the appropriate response : a chorus of _no_ , “Well, you get two jokers in a deck, a regular joker and a guarantee joker,” you tap the jokers on the table, pointing out the text on one, “The guarantee is that, if there’s a defect in the deck you bought, you take this joker and the ace of spades and you send it back to United States Playing Card Company and they send you a replacement.

“We don’t need to worry about that, we just need the jokers to grab the card,” you give a laugh and fan the deck, holding it face down towards Tavros.

“Go ahead and pick a card.”

He does, one right from the middle; “Do I show it to you?”

You shrug, “Doesn’t matter, I’ve seen this trick before.”

Terezi chokes on her milkshake with her sudden laughter. He shows you anyway -- it’s the four of clubs -- and you take the card back, shuffling in a flashy, overly complicated fashion that isn’t actually shuffling at all.

“Alright, go ahead and inspect the jokers,” you nudge them towards him with one hand, getting your break in the deck. Tav picks up the cards, splits them, makes it really obvious that there’s just two cards. He hands them back to you, totally awe written on his face. You square them with the deck, tap it with two fingers like you’re thinking, and go, “Well, I only need the jokers, actually so -- “ you take the cards off the top and hand Tav the deck, splitting the cards in two between the fingers of your right hand. You take the top joker, once you’re relieved of deck holding duty, and tuck it under the other, showing the two face up cards in your hand before you flick them towards the deck held outstretched, sliding the top joker over just enough to reveal a third card, face down between the two jokers.

You get the usual collection of “How the fuck?” and “What the fuck?” and flat out “Fuck no,” and you fight a smirk as you flip the card over, revealing the four of clubs. The diner is basically filled with exclamations of holy shit and your ego swells.

You take the cards back and start shuffling again, just in time for food to arrive. Plates are passed around until everyone’s settled with their food; you still have two fist fulls of cards by the time the waitress leaves again, keeping them out of the way.

“That was really cool! How do you do it?”

“Lots of practice,” you say, as you flip and fold the stacks of cards in either hand back together, sliding it back into the box. You squeeze the box between your hands, acting like you’re exerting a lot of pressure, and palm it to wiggle your fingers down at the table, like it’s gone, and Tav gasps.

Dave snorts, but he’s right next to you, so you’re well aware that he can see, but he doesn’t say anything as you bring your hands back together, caging your fingers, to tuck the box down the sleeve of your own borrowed hoodie. 

You make a show out of presenting your empty palms as you grab hold of your burger, the box sliding down your sleeve.

You get halfway through your burger, smugly listening to the awe of everyone around you, before the box knocking against your armpit starts to irritate you. You reach into your shirt casually, and pluck the box out, renewing the exclamations of, “What the fuck,” once more.

**=== >**

Dave’s lipstick is barely faded when you get home. He tastes like too sweet coffee and wax when you kiss him, hard and possessive. You can feel the lipstick sticking to your lips, silky soft. It’s actually kind of nice; you sort of like it.

Dave drops to his knees without missing a beat the moment your hand suggest he should, and he peels your compression shorts down to your knees for you. You hiss a curse at your dick’s sudden freedom and.

And yep. You were definitely right about his lips looking really good wrapped around your dick while painted cherry red. That’s definitely a sight you enjoy.

He’s being extra sloppy about it, coaxing you into full hardness, the crisp edges to his lipstick feathering as he drags his mouth against your length. He’s drawing waxy red lines against your skin, and you can _feel_ the difference between the lipstick and his tongue. It’s surreal, and kind of awesome.

“Lipstick tastes like ass,” he tells you, half laughing against your dick. 

You grin and comb your fingers through his hair; “Looks good though.”

“Weirdo.”

You’d argue that you’re not the only one, considering he agreed to indulge you, but he swallows you down then, all the way to the root. His palms are warm against your hips, tongue hot against your dick. You tug a little at his hair and he groans around you beautifully.

He exhales hard through his nose as he pulls back, hollowing his cheeks as he sucks, his tongue pressed against the bottom of your head. His make up is completely fucked now, more of it on your dick than not. You can still taste it on your lips though, and his eyelashes are still dark with mascara, clumped together and black against his skin, eyes closed as he focuses on getting you off.

It doesn’t take much more, just the gasp he gives when he pops off your dick to catch his breath, lips and tongue back on you half a heartbeat later. He shivers when you fill his mouth, fingers gripping your hips almost too hard, betraying his arousal.

He swallows thickly, licks his lips when you’re done, shifting back a little to sit on his heels. He’s panting, face flushed, as he looks up at you like he’s asking for permission. You hold a hand out to help him stand, pulling him up when he takes it in his.

He breathes a moan when you back him against his bedroom door, one arm wrapped around his waist to pull his front flush against you. Your other hand you tuck into his briefs -- you didn’t even know he had briefs, but there they are, snug and dark red. They suit him way better than any of the panties he got to wear for you -- Your fingers slide over the garter belt wrapped around his hips, a little sticky where his dick has drooled pre come across it. You will totally admit that, even though you’re kind of meh on him in panties, you definately like the garter belt and thigh highs. You are now of the opinion that everyone is capable of looking good in thigh highs and a garter belt.

“Thanks for humoring me,” you murmur against his neck as you jerk him off.

He nuzzles your temple and gasps, “Yeah, sure babe, anytime,” rocking his hips into your hand. You can feel him tuck a thumb under the waistband of his underwear, tugging them down a little more, while his other hand clutches at your shoulder.

“You looked really good tonight,” you tell him, nipping at the skin under your lips. He shudders and moans, rolling up onto his toes to push his dick deeper in your grasp. “I liked the corset. I liked how it restricted your movements and had you breathing so shallow.

“Could I put you in one again? With, with maybe a cock ring too, and have you sit at my feet like that all day?”

He makes a choking noise at that, clawing at your shoulders. You can feel the muscles all down his abdomen twitch and he exhales a trembling, drawn out, “Fuck,” as he comes.

“Good idea?”

He laughs a little, dazed and breathy; “Yeah.”

“Cool.”

**=== >**

It takes Dave a hilariously long time to wash the lipstick stains from his face. It takes you even longer to get it all off your dick, but you get to watch him make disgruntled faces in the mirror as he carefully removes all the eye make up too.

“Jesus shit, Kan really caked this on me, didn’t she.” You laugh and he shoots you a dirty look. “No fuck you, you lucky bastard. You’ve got dark eyelashes already so you don’t have to suffer through scraping mascara off ‘em.”

“You looked good though,” you placate, trying to quell your grin.

“Sure did,” he sighs, “Ah, the price of beauty.”

**Author's Note:**

> btw i basically don't ever shut up about this 'verse so there's a lot of noodling and a fair bit of world building on [tumblr](http://sumomomochi.tumblr.com/tagged/the-%27verse-in-which-dirk-is-anime-horatio-caine).


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